omg goa

so last night i went out with the englishman, aka hokey dokey. we drove through goa on his motorbike, and after going on about dreaming of a proper sunday roast and indulging in some meat when i arrive in london (haven't had meat since forever), we ironically found it to be the restaurant's special du jour! ding! we followed this feast with drinks and had a lovely night filled with wonderful conversation about the school, the children, life goals, etc. i honestly wasn't expecting him to pay my 3-day tab at the beach, nor to take me out on a "date," but it was lovely! and he's very interesting, among many other things, i learned that his father is originally emirati, like real emirati. and he and his father and family were all invited to the grand opening of the burj dubai-- the world's tallest building, cool, huh? it is still very mind boggling to grasp how one can devote their life to this kind of work. whenever we were darting on his motorbike, he made sure to stop by the families he was looking after in the streets, and gave them clothes, money, food. i wouldn't say that it was hard or touching to witness that. it was just real. i was very confused about how to feel, but it was real. then walked by a bunch of middle class indians that were obviously very drunk, and they just stared at the families and laughed at them in disgust. we were both so disgusted with that. these are your own people...




while having drinks and discussing life, he repeated how impressed he is with me going on this solo tour thru india. and he asked me if i was here to help me find myself, but i immediately answered him, "no." there was no hesitation in that, and there still isn't. this trip is not at all about me. this trip has nothing to do with me making myself feel better about myself or my life. this trip has been completely about india, and learning and experiencing everything about it. it was about being out of my comfort zone, having a new experience, and having the confidence to navigate this land. and i think that it is because of how unselfish this trip has been, that it has been absolutely incredible. i have never had such a fulfilling, exciting, intoxicating experience in my life. (by intoxicating that in no way refers to drugs or alcohol-- i have a drug test the day i get back, for my new job, for god's sake!!!). i thought that being alone on this journey would have been lonely, sad, or that i would have relied on this blog for daily communication. but it has been the exact opposite. i have never been alone a single day here, and i probably wouldn't have met all these wonderful people, if i were distracted with a co-traveler. and this blog has surely served as a method of communication, but it has become more selfish--- i want to remember all these amazing experiences, and i've thoroughly enjoyed documenting everything and sharing it with my friends and family!

i was supposed to go with hokey dokey to the school this morning, but as we had left me at my hotel at 4am, i assumed that he overslept past our 10am pickup time when he was late. turns out he showed about a minute after i left, but he was sweet enough to follow up by calling one of the men at the club 21-- the beach shack i've shacked up with, and had them locate the only american girl to ever visit candolim, and thus we spoke. tomorrow should be a better try. but tomorrow we'll be visiting the local slums and not the school. that will be trying on my emotions, especially with it being my last day in goa. but im not going there to feel sorry for anyone. i'm going to do something there.

the rest of the day was just spent on the beach. everyone was cute as always, saying hello, chatting with me, and hanging out. i took some extra oranges from the hotel's breakfast buffet and brought them for my girl anita. i also saw the little girls that hokey dokey fed at the beach yesterday, and offered them bananas and chips, as you see below. i noticed that it was only the english who would entertain the girls, or buy things, or treat them to lunch or cold drinks. it was nice to see.






tomorrow i will be taking anita to lunch with me. we were chatting like women this afternoon, about her husband (who she says isn't handsome, lol), her children, and life in general. she's so cute. and the man who gave me the foot rub on day 1, gave me an incredible back rub today. he identified so many points of tension all over my back, arms, etc, that i didn't even know existed. he was like, "my dear, you are 27 today, tomorrow you are 99, the day after 100, you very old lady! why you have so much tension?" we made a deal that when i open up my spa in nyc, he will be my first employee. then the other guy who runs the shack sat and talked with me about girls and sex in india, and what happens with all the tourists that come and visit. a very interesting perspective. almost everyone i've met here in goa has an arranged marriage, and while most of them don't really like their spouses, they all seem to be ok with it.

the water was soooo nice and warm, and i must have floated in the sea for hours today. i can imagine that it must have really ruined my hair, since you can't use shampoo with sodium chloride with the BKT-- and guess what's in the sea? salt = sodium chloride.

but i really realized something: who cares!?!?!?!?

i've wasted so much energy and time with insecurities and feeling self conscious about many things in my life. i've let them hold me back from doing certain things, going to certain places, or having certain experiences. being single is not something i love about my life, and it's held me back on a few occasions-- but look at what an incredible time this has been. i would have felt insecure to go to a beach alone before, and i would have felt like every couple there would have looked at me like i have 2 heads. but i haven't noticed them, and they haven't noticed me. and i've met all the wonderful locals that have kept me so much company (sometimes not giving me enough time to relax and sunbathe) and that's all that i could ask for. and i would have felt insecure to wear my bathing suit and walk around the beach or swim, but look at all these other FAT women in bikinis. they don't care. they are on holiday, at the beach, and damnit, they want to wear a 2 piece! and even the guy was telling me that men don't really care about bodies, and i'm wrong if i think men only want a woman with a perfect beach body.

so i really just realized that life is everything you make of it. it is solely up to you to be happy with it, to enjoy it, and to be satisfied. and once you've accepted that, and you become comfortable in your own skin, the universe responds to that confidence, that happiness, that positive energy, and it brings all good things your way. so like they told me on the beach today,

"don't worry, be happy."